Precious Memories

Anna Ilene Panici, beloved wife, loving mother, devoted grandmother and great-grandmother, our “Gigi” had her faith become sight as she entered the arms of her Savior on December 23, 2010. She came into this world on May 28, 1924 as the precious daughter of Earl Tison and Rachael Sweezey Tison in Jackson, Michigan.

She spent her childhood in Jackson until she joined the Navy as a WAVE during WWII and was stationed at Norfolk Naval Air Station in Virginia. She was assigned the duty of driving visiting dignitaries and had the distinct privilege of driving Admiral “Bull” Halsey. She would always tell you that the biggest highlight of her naval “career” was meeting the love of her life, Edmond, at Norfolk. After meeting in January 1946 and having only 2 dates, they were married on April 14, 1946. Their life together included living in a few different places but the bulk of the years were spent in Laverne, Ca; Anchorage, AK; and finally Bellingham and Lynden, WA. After retirement, they traveled many years in their 5th wheel and together experienced all 50 states in the Union. Ilene was an amazing cook and spent countless hours loving others through hospitality. They lived a devoted 64 years together until she went home to be with the Lord. Their marriage was a shining example to many. She is deeply missed, but our hearts rejoice and are comforted knowing she is with her Lord and Savior.

She was preceded in death by her brother Earl Tison and her step-brother Carl Huntoon. Ilene is survived by her husband Edmond, her two sons, Rick (Lura) Panici of Yerington, Nevada; Ken Panici of Kalama, Washington and her daughter Jo Anne (Mitch) Alden also of Kalama, Washington. She is also survived by her granddaughter Chessa (Chad) Honey of Lynden and their children Mitchell, Isabelle, William, Shelley and JD, who have taken loving care of their Gigi and Papa for the last 11 years. She is also survived by grandson’s Sam Panici of Okanawa, Japan; Nick Panici of Houston, Texas and Michael (Mackenzie) Panici and their children of Victorville, California.

In honor of Ilene, memorials may be given to Wycliffe Bible Translators  (http://www.wycliffe.org/),
the Lighthouse Mission or Whatcom Hospice. You may share your thoughts and memories of Ilene at www.GoodStewardFunerals.org. Arrangements are by Moles Good Steward Funerals- Lynden.



Absent

….from the body, my sweet Gigi is present with her Lord and Savior. At 5:30 this morning, surrounded by family, and hand in hand with the man she has faithfully loved for 64 years, my dear Gigi stepped into eternity. Her faith has become sight, she sorrows no more.

Resting

Jesus, I am resting, resting,

In the joy of what Thou art;

I am finding out the greatness

Of Thy loving heart

The house is quiet yet this morning and I thought I might have a moment to share about the last few weeks. It is about 6:50 Sunday morning and I am sitting in with Papa and Gigi. It is warm and peaceful in here but the wind is howling outside. Tennessee Ernie Ford, with his beautiful voice, is singing “The Old Rugged Cross” in the background. Papa awoke around 4:30 this morning, feeling “funny” and a little confused. Chad and I were able to reposition him in bed and sat holding hands with him for quite a while, listening to the hymns softly playing and just being with him. Papa has had episodes like this before and thankfully he eventually relaxes and like now, is now sleeping peacefully.

So much can happen in just a few weeks. I feel almost as if immediately after my last update on Gigi and sharing the excitement of the reprieve we had experienced with her combative behaviors, she started to struggle once again. This time the progression was swift and what seemed to take months before only took weeks this time. In short order her combativeness was extreme again and it truly took 2 of us to dress and care for her, with her episodes lasting hours at a time again. The aggression was not our only concern as she was so unsteady on her feet, falling often, and becoming a danger to herself in these times. Out of desperation one Sunday evening we called Hospice for help and they were able to help us get her agression under control with different medication. Even though we had been trying to manage her behaviors with constant care and limited medicine, it was not enough. Thankfully her excellent physician and Hospice worked with us and were able to help her regain peace through the medication she needed. As these few weeks have passed she has significantly declined, she seems to have slipped into the beginning of the last stage of Alzheimer’s. Her aggression is all but gone, even though now, she is not on any routine medication, but only as needed for pain and anxiety. She is bed ridden and sleeps most of the day and through the night. We are feeding her now, as she cannot feed herself. She sits in her wheelchair every few days for about 45 minutes but that is about all she can handle, she gets too worn out. She has small windows of clear lucidity but for the greater percentage of time either speaks in random sentences or jumbled words. Her appetite is greatly diminished, but we try to get as many small portions in her throughout the day as she will eat. She is frail and tiny, probably only 95 lbs or so. We know our time is short, weeks or months, only the Lord knows. With the help of Hospice, our goal and desire is that she is comfortable; not in pain, but peaceful. Most days the lights are off with just natural light coming in, Tennessee Ernie Ford sings hymns quietly from a CD or Gaither Gospel hour “entertains” on the television. The girls often go in and read Bible stories to her or just sit and hold her hand. My mom was here for a week and spent a lot of time helping and just sitting with them, and now my Uncle Ken is here and doing that same. It is good to just be in the room with them. Papa also sleeps most of the day, literally. Right along with Gigi, we have seen a significant decline in him over the last few weeks. As our Hospice nurse gently says…”he is winding down”. He gave us quite a scare a couple weeks ago, but thankfully the antibiotics worked and the Lord healed his pneumonia. His appetite is also scarce. We try our hardest to get a good breakfast in him as that is his best meal of the day. As many days as he will let us, we cook up 2 eggs, 2 pieces of bacon and an English muffin. Some days he will finish it, but many others much is still left on the plate. We wake him throughout the day to try to coax food in him, but he mostly refuses our offerings, and dinner time only brings about a few meager bites. Some mealtimes we need to feed him as he simply falls asleep while eating and is quickly resting again as soon as the plate is removed from him. In reality, outside of the time it takes to get him up in the morning and ready for bed at night, his awake time is in small snippets, equaling probably a couple hours a day at best. The sweetest blessing is that he is still himself. Even those outside of our home…friends, caregivers, nurses, social workers… who come in and interact with him for many different reasons say often…. “how sweet a man he is”, “what a blessing it is to have met him”, how they too “have fallen in love with this man and his kind and gentle spirit”. He is still the most patient, loving, gracious and tender man I know. Almost as many times as he is awake he will say “I love you”, constantly says “thank you” with heartfelt gratitude, and still tells each one of us how precious we are to him.

Without a doubt, it is difficult for me to write what I know to be true in my heart. As we have been told, we do recognize that we are caring for two dying loved ones. The Lord is graciously giving us this time to prepare our hearts for the truth of what will inevitably come to pass. We are very aware that our moments with them are treasures and with gratitude, we praise our Heavenly Father for His sovereign hand on their lives and on ours.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;

From him comes my salvation,

He only is my rock and my salvation,

My fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken

Psalm 62:1-2

"Happy is he when others are despairing! Happiest shall he be in that very hour when others are discovering the depths of agony. We have here a statement which we have personally tried and proved: resting in the Lord, we know a happiness which is beyond description, beyond comparison, beyond conception. O how blessed a thing it is to know that God is our present help, and our eternal hope." Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Reprieve

Psalm 59:16

But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast

love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress

and a refuge in the day of my distress.

I cannot believe how quickly the time has passed and that I am so far behind in updating! We have had a good few weeks with so many enjoyable moments in both our care for Papa and Gigi and in our own little family. I praise the Lord that I am able to say that my sweet Gigi is doing better and she remains at home with us. For reason’s unknown to us or her physician, she has had a few weeks of reprieve in her episodes of aggression. Her doctor is unable to say for sure if she is progressing out of this stage or if she is simply having a good few weeks. We have had some small snippets of difficult days again over the last week with yesterday being the worst in quite a while, but nothing compared to what we had endured the last few months. One of the richest blessings of this reprieve is her renewed tenderness towards those of us caring for her. I personally have been the recipient of many kisses, hugs and reciprocal “I love you’s” over the last few weeks. I cannot tell you how deeply these moments have blessed the granddaughter in me. Even with the practical knowledge of Alzheimer’s disease, being purposeful to protect my heart, and the understanding that what she says or does is not directed to me as a granddaughter; the words and actions have still managed to leave sadness and small wounds in my soul. These last few weeks have helped to renew our spirits and bolster our strength as we continue to care for both Papa and Gigi. Unfortunately many other facets of the disease continue to cause her decline and sadly we see her struggle more. She is having a very difficult time walking and in my thoughts, from the nature of the disease, she might only have a few more months before she is in a wheelchair full time. Her speech is far more jumbled and in trying to hold a conversation with her, quite a few words are unintelligible. She of course doesn’t know who I or many others are most every day. Last night she asked me… “have I met these people before?” referring to Papa and Mitchell. Since we were standing behind Papa, I thought bringing her to see his face might help, but sadly it did not. When I told her he was her husband of 64 years she gasped slightly and said…”what…really?”. As difficult as that was, it was hardest to see Papa’s face sadden as he realized what was happening. He has suffered greatest, second only to Gigi, with this terrible disease. He will often lament….”that awful Alzheimer’s… she is still here, but she’s already gone”. The pain of watching the love of your life slip away before your eyes has to be agonizing. He is still so faithful in loving her through precious words even though he is unable to help in action. He is a sweet example to each of us of Galatians 5:22-23 …. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” In the physical realm, Papa himself has seen some decline over the last few months but overall he remains pretty steady. We have noticed of late his strength for transferring from wheelchair to bed or chair is diminishing both in his arms and legs. He has had a couple more prominent “senior moments” in reference to memory and confusion, but nothing outside of the natural scope of aging for a 92 year old man! He gladly attests to the faithfulness of his heavenly Father and we are encouraged and blessed by him on a daily basis.

Psalm 138:3

On the day I called, you answered me;

my strength of soul you increased.

Homeschooling is in full swing and the children are truly doing great! Mitchell’s first year of HS has a very full schedule! He is tackling Algebra 2 and Geometry, Writing, English/Grammar, and two online courses….a 10th grade Earth Science course and American Government. In his spare time he is playing football on the freshman team for our local High School and LOVING it! We never thought our current season of life and commitment to Papa and Gigi would allow him to play but the Lord worked out all the details of practice and game schedules. On many practice days he rides his bike round trip so that helps in my time commitment and driving him back and forth. He was blessed to go for a weekend to Silverwood Theme Park with his good buddy Joel and Mr. & Mrs. E. They had a blast and made some fabulous memories! He and his Daddy also had an amazing father/son time away a couple weekends ago,  in part thanks to a rich blessing from an anymous giver.  Their weekend included lots of fun, food, taking in a Seahawks game and.....YIKES.... Daddy teaching the "man child" how to shave! The weekend came about because Chad and Mitchell were completing the last chapter of a great book they had been going through together as they tackle the important area of moral purity. Randy Alcorn has written an excellent resource on the subject in the book …. The Purity Principle. Chad desired to take Mitchell away for a special time as they closed out the last chapter and hoped to include a Seahawks game in the weekend. By the time we added everything up for a night away we knew the ability to spend money on a game simply might not work. I love how the Lord knows even our deepest, unspoken desires and lavishes us with His good pleasure. We had shared our thoughts with no one and yet just over a week later He amazingly provided 2 tickets to a Seahawks game in the mail from an anonymous giver!!! Chad was able to surprise Mitchell with the game as the time away was coming to a close . A simple yet staggering act of kindness from our Heavenly Father….oh how He loves you and me!

Isabelle is greatly enjoying 5th grade…..with Reading, Math and sewing being her favorite subjects! She loves to spend her free time reading, sewing, and dressing up to play school, The Hiding Place or Little House on the Prairie with her younger siblings. She has also been busy with soccer practices and games! Since there is no way we can have multiple children doing many sports at one time we rotate the years of who gets to play a sport among the younger ones. This is Isabelle’s year and she loves the team…especially because she is playing with two of her good friends and making new ones.

It is so sweet to see William and Shelley in their 2nd grade year! Shelley’s favorite subjects are Reading and sewing and Will really enjoys Math! They are both reading well and many concepts seem to simply “click” in the second grade, it is one of my favorite years for the children in school. They are faithful and diligent in their work and are a precious blessing to me as teacher and Momma.

JD…well…what can I say…he is a 3 ½ year old bundle of energy!!! I love that boy immensely but to say “he keeps us hopping” would be the understatement of the century!! Actually we have witnessed some fantastic progress with him! His random screams and fits are fewer and far between, his vocabulary is excellent, and among other positive changes he is now sleeping in his big boy bed!! Also, when it suits his mood he will appease us by tinkling in the toilet! We are no where near finished potty training with him but I continue to have faith and hope in the fact that he will not be 16 and in diapers! He is truly the funniest kid and we LOVE his spunk and personality!

Also Isabelle, William and Shelley were so excited to be in the September wedding of a sweet couple they love dearly! It was an absolutely beautiful wedding and they loved every minute of it!

These few weeks have been sweet. We feel as if we are constantly getting notes, calls or words of encouragement from many friends and family.   We love that your common thread is prayer for us, and we offer our deepest gratitude for your faithfulness to include us in your petitions to our heavenly Father.  We continue to be renewed by the loving hand of our Savior. He knows each of our needs, intimately cares for our deepest woes and continues to provide us with abundant love and strength for each day. It is our great privilege to serve such a gracious and lavish God.

Exodus 15:2

The Lord is my strength and my song,

and he has become my salvation;

this is my God, and I will praise him,

my father’s God, and I will exalt him.



Heavy Hearts

We are agonizing over the next step with my Gigi. I have been blessed to have an extremely close relationship with my grandparents growing up and into adulthood. There are not many of my most significant memories in childhood and young adult life that do not include them. As a married couple, Chad and I have spent 11 of our 16 years of marriage, together with Papa and Gigi. This relationship has been an invaluable blessing to us. Our children do not know life without them. Mitchell was 3 and we had no other little ones when we first had the privilege of living together. We were always on the same property with their “traveling home” parked next to ours and now we have lived together in this home for almost 4 years. Our hearts desire ALWAYS has been to keep both of them with us until the Lord called them home. Even when Gigi was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease our desire remained the same. Sadly, we are recognizing that for at least this stage of the disease, this might not be a possibility. As Gigi’s Alzheimer's has progressed, so has this stage of aggression. It is one thing to simply be dealing with confusion, hallucination, paranoia, hygiene care and so on but, unfortunately for the last few months, she has become quite physically combative and hostile towards my Papa and us. While she is tiny, every once in a while she can still pack a mean punch and for my Papa, who is essentially helpless in his wheelchair, that is not good. She is still mobile and he becomes an easy target. Most days, morning and evening dressing and undressing, mealtime and much of the day in between have had hours of agitation and hostility that we struggle to control. There are many days she refuses to eat or drink a single meal or any meal, and of course mostly refuses the medication that would help calm her. When she does agree to eat or drink, we are able to slip her medicine into what she is eating but there is truly no consistency in this situation. We have worked hard with the information we have learned about dealing with this stage of the disease, we have tried and are still trying different medication, and we have some help coming in but at this point, we are truly feeling helpless and the struggles are beginning to wear us down. We recognize that we have reached a decision making time as either homeschooling or our care for Gigi will have to be different this year. We know that we simply cannot continue to do both and we feel strongly that we cannot sacrifice our conviction to home school, so we must make changes as we can, as heartbreaking as it is. Simply entertaining the thought of having to move Gigi, is devastating to us and the final decision will not be made without much prayer and heavy hearts. We are currently learning about all of our options including Hospice, dementia homes or even simply respite care. Her physician had mentioned Hospice to us during her last visit, with the understanding that she may not yet meet the criteria needed to bring them in. We have had initial contact with them and will have an evaluation sometime this week or early next and they will determine if she is ready or not. If she is not able to stay at home with us, we are trusting that this move will only be temporary. Even if we have to place her in a home for a little while, our heart's desire is and goal that when this difficult stage is over and she enters the last stage of her disease we will bring her home again until the end. We are praying and trusting the Lord to bring about what He desires in this situation. Very possibly the Lord will supply the perfect solution and we can continue to care for Gigi at home, but for now we feel led to move in this direction.

I cannot express enough how we appreciate your prayers, words of wisdom and encouragement. These are uncharted waters and the ocean ahead looks vast and deep to us. We have been immensely blessed by the circle of support the Lord has given us both practically and prayerfully and we are exceedingly grateful for each of you both near and far.

Psalm 9: 9-10

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed,

A refuge in times of trouble. 

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;

For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.

The JOY of the Lord is my strength

Another year

Isabelle and I shared yet another year of birthdays…I love that our birthday’s are so close together! Isabelle celebrated hers at the campout on Saturday with a beautiful birthday cake that a sweet friend, Brenna, made for her. Chad surprised me on Monday night with a small gathering of some dear friends to celebrate my special day. Isabelle became a “double digit midget” …the big 10… and I turned…well… another year older and continue drawing ever closer to the inevitable 4-0!

I asked Isabelle what she has learned this year…..”much more cooking” she replied, “I love cooking more than Math…that’s for sure!” She mentioned quite a few things….she has learned a lot about Alzheimer’s disease and how to better care for Gigi and Papa. She immensely loves her sewing lessons with Mrs. Dickson and accomplished a beautiful baby quilt for a dear friend’s baby boy (for whom we are anxiously awaiting)… and she mentioned that JD can scream really loud …I thought she already knew that! She is enjoying her journey through the New Testament, and devouring the Trailblazer series of biographies. She has a new found interest in the Leave it to Beaver show and has developed quite a fondness for our puppy, Rocky. 

When I reflect on what I have been blessed to learn and be thankful for this year… there are truly so many thoughts that flood my mind.  My Savior’s faithfulness is written even deeper on my heart, His care for my burdens ever fresh in my thoughts. He continues to assure me that His steadfast love never ceases and His mercies never come to an end…praise Him that they ARE new every morning. I am thankful for a deepening love for His word, in particular 1 Peter chapters 2 & 3; and that in spite of my sinful self, He continues to graciously use His sovereign hand to mold and refine my heart, life and will into what He desires of me. I recognize and praise Him for the heartache that brings about His desired changes and that in all and through all He pours out His perfect peace. I am blessed to live under the humble, strong and godly leadership of my dearest and best friend. To be the bride of this patient, gentle, longsuffering and kind man is my privilege…I have much to learn from him. I appreciate the beauty of seeing my children grow in stature and heart. To experience times of difficulty and joy with them, to be lavished with their love and receive often their swift and abundant forgiveness is one of my greatest blessings. To have been given these 36 years of hearing the voices of my dear grandparents, experiencing their “I love you’s, kisses, hugs, Godly heritage, friendship…. and the honor of caring for them another year. For the love of family, the continued wisdom and encouragement of older women, the sweetness of a beloved church body, and the treasure of rich friendships…..Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

The beautiful birthday card Chad drew for me!

Healing

I had hoped to get an update on here sooner but this last week has just not allowed for the time to blog. Gigi is home now, we brought her home last Saturday night (the 10th). We had thought that she would go to an extended care facility for more recovery before coming home but due to “regulations” and the fact that the ECF doctor did not examine on weekends she could not get into the extended care facility before Monday and she was not doing well in the hospital. As to be expected, in an unfamiliar place with people constantly poking and prodding, she became increasingly agitated and combative, including pulling out her IV in the night, fighting, yelling, hitting and not sleeping well. We have come to realize that being unable to move her to an ECF before coming home was probably the best thing for her. Even though her care needs were more intense, she simply needed to come home. With that said, her homecoming has been difficult, but with time she has been healing well and we are so grateful! This past week has had extremely hard days mixed with decent ones and the last couple days, for the most part, have been peaceful. We are trying a new medicine and thankfully she has been willing to take it. For now this medicine truly seems to be making a difference in her clarity, language and mood; so we will use it for as long as it works for her. The difficult side effect of course is that she sleeps quite a bit. We are diligently trying to walk the fine line of helping her to have more peaceful days but not making her too sleepy. We are also so thankful that soon we will start getting more in-home help in caring for Papa and Gigi. Right now we have a wonderful gal that comes in about 5 hours a week but starting next month that will increase to 15 hours a week. What a blessing that some of the care will be provided by this dear lady and we can give more focus to loving and spending time with them as grandchildren and great-grandchildren….not just caregivers.

We again praise the Lord for providing just what we need, when we need it, just as He has promised! Many, many, many thanks and kisses for the blessings of meals, caring for children, hugs, listening ears, encouraging words and the many other ways our family has been blessed as we nurse Gigi back to better health. We still covet your prayers for Papa and Gigi, for our wisdom in caring for them and we are so thankful for your willingness to continue to bring our family before the throne of grace.

Hebrews 4:16

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace,

that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you;

he will never permit the righteous to be moved.

Update

We are thanking and praising the Lord for your prayers and a positive report….Gigi showed some improvement yesterday! Her infection is clearing and possibly the adjusting of the meds is helping the situation. She was quite sleepy during the day and only woke for a little longer than an hour in the morning and about an hour and a half in the afternoon then unfortunately she was awake from mid/late evening until early morning with some agitation to the nurses, but she finally fell asleep around 3am. She sat up in a chair for an hour for her breakfast yesterday and then walked once to the bathroom, other wise she remained in her bed. She was more interactive both with her eyes and in speaking. She fed herself a quarter of a small, soft sandwich and with help, held her own cup to drink but using a utensil was not successful. She had increased communication and was able to comprehend more although she was still unable to answer her last name, where she was, what year it was and a couple different times she did not know who I was. Not being able to answer those questions truly is not alarming to us though as this is more in tune with her normal ability at home. We are hoping she will get transferred to a care facility, maybe even today, but more than likely tomorrow; then home after what we are assuming will be a couple more days of getting stronger. We still covet your prayers for Gigi’s peace and comfort and the wisdom of the Doctors and our decisions. Another specific prayer request that she is able to get a bed at the care facility close to our home.
We have been blessed, once again, at the huge outpouring of love and care we are receiving as a family and are so thankful for those God has intertwined in our lives. It is our privilege and joy to experience such love and we look forward to the opportunity to return in kind to others in need what we are being blessed with at this time. Whether you are loving our family through prayer or practicality or both we praise the Lord for each of you dear ones!


The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

Hospital

I just wanted to write a quick post and give and update on Gigi. We had to call for 911 aid for Gigi on Wednesday afternoon and she is currently still in the hospital. At this point her communication is limited to random/unintelligible words and phrases with just a handful of coherent sentences or responses to questions in a span of a day. She is unable to feed herself and as she is being fed, she is eating very little. She is getting IV fluids though, so that is keeping her hydrated. On top of this matter, she bruised/fractured ribs in a fall on Saturday night so that is not helping the situation either. They have ruled officially ruled out stroke but she does have a UTI. UTI’s can wreak havoc on Alzheimer’s patients and increase the symptoms of the stage of Alzheimers they are in. They are also changing some medications to see if they are contributing to her condition. Since the stroke has been ruled out, we were hoping that with the clearing of the infection we would see an improvement in the physical/communication/confusion issues. As of right now, even with the infection getting better we are not seeing much, if any, change in her condition. There is also the possibility that this is simply the beginning of the last stage of her Alzheimer’s, but right now we are simply at a “wait and see” stage. We covet your prayers for Gigi’s comfort and peace, our wisdom in talking to doctors and making decisions and for tender hearts toward our Heavenly Father’s perfect will in this situation.



The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

A Broken Brain

The last two weeks have gone swiftly and moved at a snails pace both at the same time. Swiftly because we are seeing such drastic changes in Gigi, almost daily, and slowly because our hearts are heavy and our minds and bodies tired. In these few days we have seen a gamut of actions from Gigi. They have ranged from loving words, sweet comfort, hugs and kisses to slapping, punching, tripping, hitting with her cane, refusing any medication, yelling, screaming, crying and yesterday in the midst of an almost 8 hour episode, pouring her root beer over my Papa’s head. If I ever doubted the moments of complete control this horrible Alzheimer’s disease has on my Gigi, this one act has purged my doubt. My Gigi has faithfully loved, served and sacrificed for my Papa for 64 years. She would be simply devastated if she were fully aware of her actions. In the midst of all this, there is something precious to note. There have been a handful of times where either I or the children have been blessed, sometimes even in the middle of an episode, to hear her stop and talk to the Lord. While her prayers are not always coherent she still talks, mostly asking for wisdom, help and guidance. Isn’t that amazing? Our hearts are greatly comforted to know that the Spirit in her inner soul can still prompt her broken brain to call out to her Savior.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Psalm 139:1-18

For the choir director. A Psalm of David. O Lord, You have searched me and known me.You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all.You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.  Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?  If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,”Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Yesterday

Yesterday was heart breaking.  There is simply no other way to describe the events of the day. I daresay it was the hardest day we have had yet in this journey with Gigi. In the midst of the difficulties, there were blessings….tender and severe mercies. We learned much in this day alone and know a little better what to do different next time. I will not be sharing many details this time. In my thoughts, almost all of the painful moments that transpired are not appropriate for blogging and some of it is simply too hard to describe; but I do want to share the beauty of the day. We had a very profitable and encouraging visit with Gigi’s doctor. He made some drastic adjustments to her medicine and gave me some insight and direction that will hopefully bring some practical help in the everyday care of Gigi. We are beginning to see that we will have “hills to die on” in the daily tasks of helping Gigi. As she continues to become more combative we are seeing that unless it is an area of risk to her, we will let go of some of the things she fights us on. I am more efficiently learning to recognize the many instances where she is not aware of who I am, instead of attributing the situation to her being angry at me personally. Yesterday the anger was coupled with some statements that brought to light that she truly, in those moments, did not know who I was or what she was saying to me. How thankful I am to know that the words we have heard over and over are so true….”God’s sovereign hand is in the glove of all of our circumstances”. We rejoice and rest in this truth.

May I be so bold to ask a prayer request? We deeply desire wisdom.  Not only that we would have wisdom, but that we would be faithful to petition our awesome God, without doubting, for the wisdom He desires to pour out on us. This past Sunday I was reminded again of a truth I have long known, but for some reason it struck me anew this week. James 1:5-6 tells us …”If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.”
We must ask, and in confident faith… trust… that He will give of the abundant wisdom He has promised and desires to lavish on us. What a mighty God we serve!


The JOY of the Lord is my strength.

Reality

It is time I shared a little update on my sweet Gigi. I need to be honest with myself. I am recognizing that it is terribly hard for me to move into the absolute reality that this disease is taking my grandmother. To say that it has been a difficult few months would simply be an understatement. Since her diagnosis 2 ½ years ago we have seen significant changes, but you could say they have been more like “snapshots of confusion”, interwoven with some fairly clear days. Recently though, that is not the case. In the span of 6 months, maybe a little more, she has rapidly been on the decline. What was previously hours of confusion smattered in a good week is now almost full days of confusion; many days of the week. The funny thing is that one moment or one day, there is clarity and the ability to join in with her surroundings; whatever they may be, and the next she is “gone”. I have had quite a few people share with me that same fact about a relative or friend who suffered from Alzheimer’s. You have a glimmer of hope as they seem so clear for a moment and the next minute they are asking you about a spouse or relative you don’t have, or stating something as fact, wholeheartedly believing it to be reality but you are distinctly aware that there is no possibility it is true. For example, the other day Gigi asked Mitchell to “tell his wife she was sorry”. On the same day she asked me “what your brother had to do with it?”. Not being sure what “it” was and hoping to clarify that I don’t have a brother I told her “I don’t have a brother Gigi, I have a husband” to which she rolled her eyes and turned her head in disbelief. On the same day she asked me again where her Mother and Daddy were and with Papa’s help, I shared with her that her Daddy died when she was 14 and her Mother died many years ago. Oh how she was heartbroken, crying as she asked me… “why didn’t you tell me?” “how come you haven’t told me before”….it is so difficult to see her relive these deaths over and over again, fresh and new to her.

As the days go by and there are a multitude of moments that I want to share with Chad when he gets home yet it has been harder and harder to remember all the details. I desire to relay it accurately so I thought it best to write them all down one day. As much as I could remember in a day, I would record. I know it is not everything that was said as I was gone for about 4 hours and Mitchell remained home. I recorded nothing from that time frame but still had so much from the day. What I did write down filled 2 ½ pages of a yellow legal pad. ….it was an eye opening day.

Up to this point we have been blessed to not really have the anger/paranoia/anxiety side of the disease rear its ugly head but unfortunately that to is slowly changing. The anger and anxiety are starting to show with questions and statements like…”I want to know where my clothes are”… “you sold our car”… yelling to me over and over again…..“why are you doing this to me?”…asking about “the jerks who get me dressed, your daughter”… “I don’t want to leave this room”…“I want to call the police”… “whose home is this?”… “so where are we?”…“those kids play all night”…“that girl is sick, I am sick, your mother is sick”… asking Papa (speaking of us)….”what are these peoples names, I have never liked this kind of people”. Random, statements and questions that are hard to know how to answer, like telling Papa…”the people were very good and got dinner for you kids”…”where’s Papa (as he is sitting right near in his chair) I need to take him back to our house”…asking me why I won’t let Papa go home with her…asking Papa how many children he has….answering my question of “Gigi, do you know who I am?” by saying, “names would be nice”. One of the hardest questions came just a few days ago. I knelt down beside her as she sat on their loveseat and I asked her how she was doing or if I could get her anything. She looked at me and while pointing to Papa replied, …”who is that man over there?”, I asked her, as I pointed to Papa “do you mean him?”, “yes” she replied. I touched his arm and asked her one more time, just to be sure….”you mean this man?”…”yes” she stated…I said…”that is your husband” to which she said…”oh, I remember now”. A simple conversation with a heartbreaking reality.

As a family we have been taking the time to watch a caregiver training video and I have been doing some more reading to get a better understanding of the disease. It has been quite revealing and very helpful to us as we learn how to better take care of Gigi. I was not aware to what extent the brain is destroyed by Alzheimer’s disease. The degeneration is staggering. I wanted to share just one photo showing a comparison of two brains after death. One had Alzheimer’s and one did not. This section of the brain that is degenerated shows the ability to use words and language.

Normal






Alzheimers


We still have so much to learn as a family. Each day or week something different will happen and we have learned that the best we can do is to remain open to change, watch the cues she is giving us and learn how to respond best to her current stage. Only the Lord knows how long she will tarry and what that road will mean for her.

While I can record the words, I cannot replay the emotion from which they were spoken. Sometimes anger, fear and paranoia rule the outbursts, sometimes sadness. This to me is grievous; this is the part that bears burden on my soul each and every day. I am truly, utterly helpless to “make her better”. We can be there to care for her; to try to make sense of her confusion, but nothing will change the fact that these words, emotions and situations are so very real to her. How difficult that must be for sweet Gigi. What seems so strange or confusing to us is in essence her reality.

The chorus of a favorite song comes to mind often, “Praise you in this Storm” by Casting Crowns…

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

The beauty is that even in the most difficult days there are moments of sweet responses. They most often will fall at the end of the day as we tuck Papa and Gigi into bed each night. As Mitchell, Isabelle and I go to each side of their bed and give kisses and I love you's, Papa is so quick to say I love you many times over with what seems like a thousand thank you’s included! It is then that Gigi will be tender, and give a very heartfelt, full of understanding, “I love you” to each of us. Recently, one special night, after a particularly hard day, I tucked her into bed. As I held her hand, she looked at me with eyes of recognition and simply said…”don’t leave us”. That moment was a blessing beyond measure, one I will treasure and draw from in the days to come.

Even though our earthly “reality” and Gigi’s earthly “reality” sometimes differ greatly, and that difference will only grow greater as her disease progresses, we praise the Lord that we share the same final reality….that our loving Savior has brought her to salvation in Himself. It is an unequaled comfort to know she rests securely in the hand of our heavenly Father. This life is but a vapor, our home is eternal, our hope is in the Lord.

Titus 1:1-2 says.... Paul, a bond-servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ, for the faith of those chosen of God and the knowledge of the truth which is according to godliness, in the hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages ago,


This post has been much longer than I ever intended but I want to end with a deep, heartfelt, full of love and kisses, thank you from the Honey family. Thank you too many sweet friends and loved ones who… speak hearty words of encouragement, lend listening ears, write sweet notes, and give amazing actions of self-sacrifice to bless our little family. Your ministering love to our family is cherished.

The Joy of the Lord is my strength

Psalm 103:1-5
Bless the Lord, O my soul, And all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, And forget none of His benefits; Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit, Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.


Count your blessings, name them one by one,

Count your blessings, see what God hath done!

Count your blessings, name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.